23 Apr Difficulties

After many years of practicing, I still have many questions. And in a way, it seems like more and more questions arise, or perhaps only new layers of the same old questions – and I still keep practicing. That is the one thing that is constant. Asana, pranayama, meditation, informal practices off-the-mat – and I change. From day to day, from phase to phase, and my practice varies, and how I relate to it, varies, alot!

Sometimes I have this beautiful yoga-bliss feeling (whatever that is?!?) after practicing. Basically feeling in a pleasant place. And then other times…not at all. The practice is difficult, I feel distracted, my body is slow, or there is pain, or this or that. And such is life. It varies, its nuanced. Because it is what happens inbetween those poles of experiences, plesant or unplesant, and the transition points, where everything feels chaotic (or still for that matter), where the juicy information about yourself lay.

I still get completely out of it, or burst out screaming/yelling when my bottons are pushed to a certain extent. Actually, I think I do it more now, after having reached a certain threshold of maturity (read: grown up), than when I was younger. And it feels like a good thing. Expressing feelings. Within a relevant context. (Apart from a here-and-there Freudian hysteric-woman outburst, I believe this is completely within the framework of normality). And also, I still get hurt. And nervous, and feel shy or insecure. Practing yoga definitely give my contactpoints with myself. Perhaps I learn a little (hopefully!). Perhaps it makes me more equanimous, at times…. or more often than before. Though I dont know, as I haven’t done the last 10 years without it. Or perhaps the practice is a really constructive support in a normal process of maturation?

I really dont know. I just know that I am the same as before. And at the same time different.

I think I experience some sort of difficulty, or challenge, at various levels (emotional, thoughtwise, or bodily) at least once a day. Either roaming within my own typical-thought-landscape, or in connection to others. (Please don t misunderstand my days to be dark and heavy, cause thay are mostly really great!) My point is, keep on connecting with yourself. Keep on practicing, that is – keep on learning about yourself. And keep on inquiring.

Enjoy!